What to Do If You’re Worried a Friend Is Suicidal

If you’re worried a friend is thinking of killing themselves, it can feel scary and overwhelming. You may even second-guess yourself because your friend probably didn’t come to you specifically talking about suicide. But they may have said or done something off or strange in a way that was concerning enough to bring you here.

Don’t second-guess your instinct. If you’re worried, even if you can’t totally put your finger on why, take it seriously. “You’re doing a really helpful job of noticing a difference and being concerned rather than being like, ‘This is no big deal,’” says Janine Domingues, PhD, a senior psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “I tell the folks that I work with, even if you're not really sure how serious this is, lean on the side of seriousness.”

While you are not responsible for your friend’s mental health, there are a few simple things you can do to help them, and they can make a huge difference.

Understand the signs

Before we start, it might be helpful to consider what exactly made you concerned in the first place. Knowing some of the warning signs of suicide can help you better understand your friend’s behavior and potentially describe it to someone who can help them.

Warning signs that a person is thinking of suicide include:

• Hopelessness: Your friend might be saying that any issue or problem in their life will never be solved, or that they give up on trying to solve them. They may say things like, “Nothing is ever going to change, so what’s the point?” 

• Feeling like a burden: Your friend might express that they are just “too much” to have around. They might say things like, “My family would be better off without me.” Or even, “Your life would be so much easier if I was never born”

• Significant changes in behavior: This one is tough, but it could look like: If your friend is normally super chatty and social and now they’re acting closed off and just want to stay at home. Or maybe they’re suddenly acting impulsive or reckless or giving things away when they normally wouldn’t. Say they want you to have their most prized possession or keep a letter that you’re not supposed to open unless something happens to them — these requests are unusual and you’re right to be concerned

Help for the helper

If you’re worried about your friend, you should tell an adult. They can be any adult person you trust — your parent, your friend’s parent, your aunt, your football coach, a teacher, a school counselor, your therapist if you have one. You can also call 988 — this is the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. (It’s not the same as calling 911. Here’s what to expect when you call.) The counselors on staff will be glad to talk to you, even if it’s about someone else. They can talk you through your concerns (if you want) and help you figure out what to do next.

The point is, you need support to best support your friend. Your job as a friend is to let them know that even though they are struggling, they are not alone. But you aren’t alone either. Actually getting your friend the help they need is a job too big for one person.

It’s okay to reach out

Once you tell an adult, you can let them take it from there. But don’t be afraid to reach out to your friend and just ask how they’re doing: “It seems like you’ve been kind of down, how are you doing?” “Why don’t you come out this weekend so we can catch up?”

“You don't have to get it perfect. You don't have to get it right. You're just checking in,” says Dr. Domingues.Having thoughts about suicide can feel very isolating so having a friend reach out, even in a simple way, can be a big deal.

Be a good listener

If your friend does want to talk to you about how they’re feeling, listen to them — and I mean really show them you’re listening. Look at them, try to keep an open posture, and let them do most of the talking. It might sound obvious, but show them love and kindness. Don’t argue with them (“You don’t mean that”) or minimize their problems, even if you think you’re being helpful (“That’s not that big of a deal — you’ll be fine”). By just listening, you’re letting them know that talking about their pain isn’t shameful or wrong.

Know how to respond

Sometimes, we find ourselves in tough conversations whether we seek them out or not. Here’s how to navigate a conversation with your friend if they say things that sound like they’re thinking about suicide.

If your friend says something like, “I want to die” or “I don’t want to be alive anymore,” you might be tempted to respond, “Of course, you don’t want to die!” Or “You have so much to live for!”

You might mean well, but when someone expresses thoughts about wanting to die out loud it means they are in pain and might want to talk about it. So, you want to respond in a way that lets them do that. Start by showing empathy. “You're not validating the ‘I don't want to live’ part,” Dr. Domingues says. “You're just validating what they’re feeling by saying things like, ‘I hear you. It sounds like you're really going through a tough time.’”

You can also ask questions, like:

• Have you told an adult you can count on for support? (In real life, this might mean referencing someone you know they trust: “Have you talked to your mom about how you’re feeling?”)

• Do you have an adult you would feel comfortable talking to about how you’re feeling? (“It sounds like you’re in a lot of pain and I want to support you. Who else would you feel comfortable talking to about this?”)

• Do you want me to go with you to talk to an adult? (“Do you want me to walk with you to the guidance counselor’s office? You don’t have to go alone. I’ll wait for you outside.”)

• How can I help you find support?

All of these questions are geared toward helping your friend find support for a reason — you’re not a mental health professional. As a friend, you’re a bridge to someone who can give them the help they actually need.

It’s okay to be direct

You should know that it’s okay to use the word “suicide” in when you talk to your friend. As in, “Are you having thoughts about suicide?” [JD1] Or, “I really care about you — it sounds like you’re thinking about suicide. Are you having those thoughts?” [JD2] 

It’s a myth that speaking about suicide directly makes someone more likely to do it. In fact, research showsthat talking openly about suicide makes people less likely to kill themselves. “Saying it out loud can help them also be direct about what they’re thinking and feeling — and you’re not skirting around the issue,” says Dr. Domingues.

A friend once told me that having suicidal thoughts felt like being stuck on their own island. Talking about it in a matter-of-fact way helps a person bring their painful thoughts out of isolation — a really important first step.

So, when a friend does tell you they’re having thoughts about suicide, you can acknowledge that, and say something like, “Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you’re talking to me about this. You are not alone.” 

Don’t keep secrets

If your friend opens up to you that they’re having thoughts about suicide and tells you not to tell anyone, this is a secret you cannot keep. Period. “I know it can feel like a betrayal of trust,” says Dr. Domingues. “But telling an adult is the best thing you can do as a friend.”

They probably don’t see it this way, but asking you to keep a secret isn’t fair to you. They might be upset with you, but that’s better than living in constant fear for their safety.

And remember, you can tell any adult you trust to take responsible action. You don’t even have to do it face-to-face — you can write a note and leave it in your guidance counselor’s mailbox. You also don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty details of your friend’s life, you can just say that they’re having thoughts about suicide and need support.

You are not alone

Keep in mind, being a good support for your friend can take an emotional toll on you. It helps to have someone else — like a counselor, or even a parent or older sibling — who you can talk to about how you’re feeling, too.

If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach a crisis counselor. 

See more crisis resources from APA here.