Sex can seem simple on TV shows and in movies: Two people making eyes at each other, clearly vibing — then jump-cut to them making out and taking off their clothes. Real-life sex requires a lot more communication, particularly on consent and boundaries.

Setting and respecting boundaries

Before getting intimate, it’s important to get clear on what your boundaries are. Forget what your partner wants or what your friends are doing for a moment and ask yourself: What do you want to do? 

Maybe you’re ready to do some things but not others. Maybe you like a particular thing but only sometimes — and only if your partner asks permission first. Maybe you’re curious to try something but only if you do it in a certain way. 

Communicate these to your partner, and don’t worry about being difficult or hurting their feelings. A respectful partner won’t push or sneak around your boundaries — they will be glad you told them so that they can make sure you’re feeling safe and having fun.

Verbal consent: What it is and how it works 

Whether it’s in a committed relationship or a casual hookup, sex is something two people do together. Consent means both people are having fun — and if one of them isn’t, things need to stop, period. 

So, how do you know? Just ask! Here are some quick, clear phrases to keep in your back pocket:

• “Do you like that?”

• “Are you into this?”

• “Do you want to keep going?”

• “Can I [fill in the blank]?” / “Can I touch your [fill in the blank]?”

• “Are you okay?”

If you get an enthusiastic “Yes” to any of these, that’s called verbal consent. What does not count as verbal consent, though, are things like:

• “Okay, fine” or “Sure, whatever”

• “Yes,” but they hesitate, or look uneasy or in pain

• “Yes,” but only after repeatedly saying no

Remember that consent isn’t a one-and-done thing. It can be taken back at any time — just because you liked something last week doesn’t mean you have to want it now. It’s also a moment-to-moment thing, and you can stop or change your mind any time.

Nonverbal consent: What it is and absolutely isn’t

Along with respecting their yeses and nos, it’s just as important to pay attention to your partner’s body language. Are they pulling you closer, or are they pulling away from you? Do they seem into it, or are they just going through the motions? Do they look relaxed, or scared? Just because they’re not saying “no” doesn’t necessarily mean they’re enjoying it or want to keep going. 

By the same token, just because they’re dressed or acting a certain way doesn’t mean they’re consenting to sex, or “asking for it.” Here are some things that do not imply consent:

• Wearing something revealing

• Flirting

• Sexting or sending photos

Sex, substances, and informed consent

When it comes to sex and substances, you’re best off keeping them separated. Alcohol, cannabis, and other substances lower inhibitions and alter decision-making, and can lead you to do something you’ll regret.

In terms of consent, if one or both people are too intoxicated to know what’s going on, they can’t consent to sex, no matter how enthusiastic they may be. Getting a person intoxicated in order to have sex with them is also not consent.

Looking out for yourself and others

“Consent is everyone’s business,” says Dave Anderson, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “And it’s especially important to hold one another accountable.”

This can be as simple as calling a friend out when they’re pushing someone’s boundaries or objectifying them, or as serious as stopping a friend from taking advantage of someone who’s intoxicated — and making sure the other person gets home. Sex can be complicated and hard to talk about, but the less mind-reading is involved, the better it is for both people. And if everyone can be on the same page about what it means to have consent and respect boundaries, that creates a culture around sex that makes people feel safe and empowered.