Pain and stress are part of life. Breakups, bad grades, issues with friends, issues at home — it sucks, but we deal.

Sometimes, though, it can feel like too much, and we get the urge to take it out on ourselves physically. Self-harm is behavior that causes physical damage in order to alleviate some kind of emotional pain. It is hard to understand and even harder to talk about, but it’s important to do both. If you’re self-harming, know that you’re not at all alone and that you deserve support.

What self-harm can look like

When most people think of self-harm, the first thing that comes to mind is cutting. That’s a common form. But self-harm also includes things like:

• Burning yourself with lighters or cigarettes

• Hitting yourself, banging your head, or punching walls

• Skin-picking, scratching yourself, or biting yourself

It’s important to understand that even seemingly minor forms of self-harm are dangerous, especially because they can escalate. If you feel like your self-harm isn’t “that bad,” don’t wait for it to get worse before seeking help.    

Why do people self-harm?

Basically, self-harm is a maladaptive — meaning harmful or unhelpful — way of coping with distress. Maybe your emotions feel so overwhelming that you need some kind of physical release. Or maybe it’s the opposite — you feel dead inside and find yourself self-harming to feel something other than numb. Maybe you feel it’s the only way to express how much you’re hurting inside. But thankfully, there are other, safer ways.

A common misconception about people who self-harm is that they are trying to kill themselves. While self-harm can sometimes come with suicidal feelings, the connection is not that simple. Clinical experts Janis Whitlock, PhD, and Elizabeth Lloyd-Richardson, PhD, write that self-harm “is virtually always used to feel better rather than to end one’s life.” But if you are dealing with enough pain to self-harm, the chance that you might have or develop thoughts of suicide make it all the more important to get help.

Risks associated with self-harm behaviors

There are a number of risks associated with self-harming. Cuts and burns can get infected, and there is always a chance that you could hurt yourself more seriously than you meant to.

The more long-term danger, though, is the fact that self-harm is a self-reinforcing behavior. The more you use self-harm to alleviate inner pain, the more of it the brain will crave to get the same sense of relief. What may have started as “not that bad” can escalate, which is why it’s important to get help before it gets worse. And if you hide what you are doing, it can get out of control before any of the people who love you know about it, or can help you.

Other ways to cope

When you have the urge to hurt yourself, what is it that you’re looking for, really? It’s a tough thing to figure out in the moment, but most of it comes down to looking for a way out of the pain you’re experiencing. There are healthier, safer ways to feel better, or at the very least ride out the urge. Here are some: 

• Going for a bike ride or run

• Playing an instrument

• Making art, or scribbling hard and fast on some paper

• Punching or screaming into a pillow

• Holding an ice cube in your hands

• Snapping a rubber band on your wrist

• Splashing cold water on your face (scientifically proven to slow down your heart rate and calm you down – this one really does work!)

• Calling or texting a friend about your feelings

• Reaching out to a support hotline

• Journal about your feelings

Getting professional help

Self-harm can be a scary thing to come clean about. You might feel ashamed, guilty, or afraid of how people will react, but opening up to someone is the first and most crucial step to healing. Here are some places to start:

• Talk to your parents: Find a time to sit down with them and tell them you have something serious to talk about. Give them a chance to help you, even if it’s hard. “I’ve been struggling with self-harm, and I need help” is a good way to start the conversation. Articles like this one may be helpful for them as well

• Open up to another adult you trust: Go to a counselor at school or a teacher that you trust. Tell them you are self-harming and you need help. They can help you figure out the next steps to get you connected with help   

• If you have a therapist: The sooner you can tell them what’s up, the better. You can bring it up in your next session — or if it’s too hard to say out loud, tell them in an email. The important thing is that you tell them

You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741 to connect with free and confidential support from a volunteer crisis counselor.