What does grief feel like?

It sucks — that’s what it feels like. Grief takes many forms, and that deep, deep sadness is just one of them. If someone close to you has died, you may feel:

• Angry, frustrated, or prone to lashing out

• Detached, numb, or exhausted

• Impulsive, reckless, or manic

• Weirdly okay, maybe even able to forget about it

• Anxious, obsessive, or unable to think about anything else

These feelings may sound all over the place, but that’s the nature of grief. Just because you feel fine today doesn’t mean you won’t be upset again tomorrow. But the flip side is that just because you’re hurting now doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way forever.

Giving yourself a break

For some, the feeling of loss hits them immediately — for others, it may take a while to sink in. Either way, in the immediate days after the death of someone you care for, it can help to give yourself some time off from life to process what happened and take care of yourself.

Let your teachers know that you’ve just lost someone (you don’t have to get specific). It may be possible to get a couple days off from school, or extra time with assignments. Time off work and a break from extracurricular activities could also help.

Feeling your feelings

When it comes to grief, the only way out is through — and the only way through is to feel your feelings. In the midst of a funeral, memorials, and other arrangements, try to find some time for things like:

• Journaling: Spending some time with a pen, paper, and your emotions can be healing. Write about your feelings, write letters to the person you lost, or write about your favorite memories with them.

• Music and art: Singing, drawing, painting, and playing an instrument are all excellent outlets for grief. You can also listen to music that reminds you of the person or make a playlist of songs that speaks to the feelings you’re going through.

• Therapy: If you have a therapist, consider doubling up on your sessions while you’re going through the worst of it. If you don’t, your parents or doctor can connect you with one. There’s no substitute for having someone to talk to.

• Cry it out: Crying is not only normal, it’s an important part of the healing process. When you cry, your body releases endorphins and stress hormones can decrease — and that will help you start to feel better.

Don’t push it down or numb it out

It’s natural to want to avoid the most painful parts of grief. Sometimes it happens without us even realizing, like a binge-watching session that turns into a whole week of bedrotting, or overbooking ourselves to “stay busy” and not think about the grief. A little distraction can be helpful, but don’t check out entirely. Resist the urge to turn to weed, alcohol, or other substances to take the edge off. It might put a Band-Aid on the pain but won’t help you heal.

Getting back into things

The best way to get back to your routines when you’re grieving is slow and steady. For example, if you’re not ready to jump right back into your social life, you could start by hanging out one-on-one with a close friend and making a point to do that at least once a week. Eating and sleeping regularly are also important, despite how hard it may be when you’re grieving. Setting alarms can help you stay consistent.

Don’t be afraid to ask friends or family for help getting back into the swing of things. You get a lot of “Let me know what I can do” when you’re grieving. Of course, no one can bring back the person you lost or make it hurt less, but here are some other ways you can ask for support:

• “I’m having a hard time staying on top of eating, sleeping, self-care, etc. — if you could text me now and then to check in on it, that’d be great.”

• “I’ve gotta start going back to dance, volleyball, etc. but I’m really unmotivated. Walk me to class/practice?”

• “My room is a mess, and I have to fold my laundry — could you come over and help me?”

When will it stop hurting?

Think of grief as a ball rolling around inside a box. Inside the box is a pain button. When someone dies, the grief ball is huge and always hitting the button. As time passes, the ball gets smaller. It’ll occasionally bump into the button — you’ll feel a twinge of pain when it does — but it won’t be constant.

Grieving is not about trying to forget the person that died. It’s about processing the feeling of losing them so that remembering them eventually doesn’t hurt as bad. There’s no standard timeline for this. Give yourself the space and support you need — no one can say exactly when, but you will get through it.