How Can You Communicate Better to Build New Relationships?
Writer:
You know those people who always bring the conversation back to themselves, only seem to complain, or never ask how you’re doing? Don’t be that person. Instead, learn how to build and maintain strong, positive relationships by being a good listener and showing that you care. These are skills that will serve you not only in friendships and romantic partnerships, but also in your professional life and beyond. You can even apply these strategies to communication with family and existing friends; try practicing on a sibling or bff from back home.
OARS
No, we’re not suggested you grab some oars and take your new pals out boating.
OARS is a helpful acronym (from an approach to psychology called Motivational Interviewing by Miller and Rollnick, 2013) that can help guide your conversations, whether they be first time meetings or serious heart-to-hearts.
Open-ended Questions
Ask questions where the person has to think a bit before they respond, and there are many possible answers.
Avoid close-ended questions like “How many roommates do you have?” or “Do you like videogames?”
Instead, try “How do you get along with your roommates?” or “What do you do for fun?”
Affirmations
People are more likely to trust and spend time with people who make them feel good about themselves.
Acknowledge positive traits or something good the other person has done, like “You clearly put a lot of work into that presentation!” and “I love that shirt, where did you get it?”
Reflections
Show you’re listening by restating what they’re telling you in your own words.
Word it as a statement, not a question.
People like to be understood!
For example, if someone says, “Ugh I hate my entire schedule,” you could respond, “You really don’t like any of your classes.”
People usually take this as an invitation to elaborate!
Summaries
To show you’re listening, you can also offer a summary of what the person just told you. This is like a reflection, but combining multiple things the person just told you.
For example, “Your teacher didn’t have a review session, you couldn’t go to office hours, and your TA wasn't helpful. I can see why you’re worried even after studying a lot.”
Validation
People like to hear that their feelings are valid. Sometimes – particularly if someone is venting about a tough situation – it’s not the time to offer solutions or judgments. Rather, they may just need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. This is a particular emphasis of an approach to psychology called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Linehan, 2015)
Pay Attention
Put your phone down or away to show that you are focused on them.
If you’re scrolling social media while they’re talking, it can seem like you don’t really care.
Focus on the facts
Even if you don’t totally agree, try to find the kernel of truth in the other person’s perspective.
Only validate the valid: the facts of the situation, and the person’s experience, feelings, opinions, or difficulties.
Not their judgments about the situation.
For example, “He said that because he doesn’t care about my feelings,” is not necessarily true. But you could validate that they feel like he doesn’t care.
Show you understand the cause and effect: “Because your roommate is playing video games late at night, you feel disrespected.”
Leave out judgments when validating.
Remember
College is a new environment, and every person you meet is a potential friend!
Keep in mind, not everyone you meet will become a friend, and that’s okay too. Nobody gets along with everybody.
If it takes you some time – even the entire year – to find the people you really click with, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Thousands of other freshmen all over the country are having the same challenge. Some of them may even be on your campus, waiting to bump into you.
