You Live at Home for College and You're Fighting with Your Parents. What Should You Do?
Writer:
While dorm life can be fun, there are many perks to living at home during college. With so many changes, keeping some things constant can make it a smoother transition for some – not to mention it typically saves a ton of money. But even though you’re living in the same house with the same family, there will still likely be a shift in dynamics. It may take some time to reach a new equilibrium and there is likely to be some conflict along the way.
You’re not alone
First, you should know: this is VERY COMMON and you’re NOT alone!
You’re in a completely new phase of life, with all new responsibilities and expectations.
Yet you’re still living in your childhood home, sleeping in the same bed, eating food from the same kitchen – many families have trouble finding their new normal!
So what can you do? First, try to solve the problem by advocating for yourself!
Problem-solve and communicate
As an example, let’s say your parents have been scolding you for spending less time with them or not joining them for meals. Try the strategies outlined in Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s DEAR MAN skill (from the 2015 DBT manual by Dr. Marsha Linehan):
Describe the facts. “I know I still live at home, but I have more demands on my time than I did in high school. My classes are harder, they assign more homework, and I’m in a new environment without my old friends. I need to spend more time on my school obligations and building my social life, which leaves me less time for family time, but you complain when I'm not around.”
Express how you feel. “This leaves me feeling frustrated and annoyed because my grades and social life are important to me. It also feels unfair that you are mad at me for doing the things I need to do. It's not my fault college is hard, and it feels like you’re blaming me for things I can’t control.”
Assert yourself. “Could you please stop scolding me for not being around as much as I used to be?”
Reinforce what’s in it for them. “If you stop scolding me, I promise to make time for you once per week, every week, except for when I have mid-terms or finals to prepare for. We can schedule a family activity on Saturday afternoons.”
(Be) Mindful of your goal. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted! Keep coming back to your assertion like a “broken record.” Many parents in this situation are hurting – it's hard for them to spend less time with you. They may say things to appeal to your emotions, so don't lose sight of your goal!
Appear Confident. Stand tall, use a confident tone of voice, and maintain eye contact. Practice ahead of time if you’re nervous!
Negotiate. If you can’t get all of what you want, try to get some of it instead. Maybe they’ll say they “promise to try,” in which case you can tell them you’ll schedule an exciting plan with them once they succeed!
Next steps
If this fails, you may need the help of someone outside your immediate family.
Talk to your extended family! Do you have any aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, or close family friends who can support you? Ask them to talk to your parents.
What about your larger community? Do you belong to a church or religious organization? Are you close to other people in your neighborhood or apartment building? Involving a community leader could be especially helpful!
This will be more effective if the other people try to be understanding of both sides. They can validate where your parents are coming from while also standing up for your needs!
Take some space
If things are getting worse rather than better, know when to take a break.
As a last resort, do you have any friends you could stay with? Maybe some friends who live on-campus? Does any of your extended family live nearby?
It may be easier to have the tough conversations with your parents about boundaries when you have the option to leave. However, this may also push them harder. Be very careful before you move out. Talk to others and get advice before you try this!
