You’re Having a Conflict With Your Roommate. What Should You Do?

If you’re a first-year student living on campus, chances are you’ll have at least one roommate. And chances are you’ll find yourselves in at least a conflict or two, even if you’ve become the best of friends. Before you try to crash on a friend’s floor or run home, here are some strategies to try.

Communicate

First, try to solve the problem by speaking to them yourself! Often, conflicts arise when there is a miscommunication or when one person doesn’t realize what they are doing is bothersome. As an example, let’s say the roommate is not being quiet at night and it’s making it hard for you to sleep. Try dialectical behavior therapy’s DEAR MAN skill (from the 2015 DBT manual by Dr. Marsha Linehan):

• Describe the facts: “I have early classes most days, so I try to be in bed by midnight so I can wake up by 8. But you’re often up past 3am playing video games or laughing at memes on your phone.”

• Express how you feel: “This leaves me feeling frustrated and annoyed because my grades are important to me, and I don’t learn as well when I’m tired.”

• Assert yourself: “Could you please either start going to bed earlier on weeknights, or find another place to hang out after midnight, like a common room or a friend’s place?”

• Reinforce what’s in it for them: “If you do, you can stay up as late as you want on Friday and Saturday night.”

• Stay mindful of your goal: Don’t allow yourself to be distracted! If they aren’t hearing you, choose a respectful and concise phrase — like “I’d appreciate it if you could keep it down after midnight” — and keep coming back to your assertion like a broken record.

• Appear confident: Stand tall, use a confident tone of voice, and maintain eye contact. Practice ahead of time if you’re nervous!

• Negotiate: If you can’t get all of what you want, try to get some of it instead. Maybe they can have lights off by midnight only on the nights before you have 9am classes.

Seek outside help

If this fails, you may need the help of someone in authority to help resolve the conflict.

Talk to a Resident Assistant (RA)

• Most dorms have an RA, dorm parent, or some other point person for dorm-related issues. Their job includes helping to manage roommate disputes.

• They will often mediate conflicts and can enforce any official rules your roommate may be violating.

Talk to someone higher up

• If your conversation with your RA does not yield the results you’re looking for, it may be necessary to talk to someone higher up in the RA office.

• This could be a senior RA, faculty supervisor, the office of housing, or dean of students.

Request a room transfer

• If all else fails, most schools have a system for requesting an official room transfer.

• If the problem is bad enough, while you wait for the transfer to come through, see if there is anywhere else you can stay! Friends may be happy to let you sleep on their couch.